video review : August Underground

video review : August Underground

The one thing this fictional snuff film has going for it is that its director, Fred Vogel, is a skilled makeup artist. When a girl is kidnapped, beaten, tortured and killed in a basement, covered in blood and feces with her left nipple sliced off, it looks real.

What the movie needs is a better plot. It’s more a presentation of random scenes, which makes sense; it’s supposed to be amateur video shot by psychos; but offers nothing even perverted butt-sniffers like me would want to watch for an hour.

my rating : 1 of 5

2001

video review : A Nightmare On Elm Street 5 [ The Dream Child ]

video review : A Nightmare On Elm Street 5 [ The Dream Child ]

“Nine, ten, Freddy’s back again,” the jump rope song goes and now he wants to continue his deadly deed thru Alice’s seed. There’s a clever scene involving a comic book, but everything else about this movie is shit; the kind of shit that stinks-up the whole house when the diaper comes off.

my rating : 1 of 5

1989

video review : A Nightmare On Elm Street 4 [ The Dream Master ]

video review : A Nightmare On Elm Street 4 [ The Dream Master ]

If you thought the Nightmare series couldn’t get any worse after that last Warriors stunt, you’re in for a surprise. Part 4 is about as bad as it gets, taking the series into sitcom self-parody status. Listen to the one-liners Krueger cracks before killings. This movie is a joke, a bad one.

my rating : 1 of 5

1988

video review : Cabin Fever

video review : Cabin Fever

This is about friends who rent a cabin to party, drink and have sex. It’s in the middle of nowhere, but people begin to bother them the first night, including a man infected with some kind of flesh-eating disease.

The plot spreads out from there, but goes nowhere interesting. That’s thanks mostly to its deadpan storytelling and characterization, which, by the end of the movie, has the absurdity thermostat in the red zone.

my rating : 1 of 5

2002

video review : American Wedding

video review : American Wedding

This third and supposedly final serving of American Pie only proves the franchise has descended into a mushy plate of shit. It begins with Jim proposing to Michelle before building to the Wedding itself via a mix of boring dialogue, sloppy editing and bad acting.

Stifler, arguably the most memorable character of the series, holds that last category almost alone. He, like the movie itself, becomes a cliché of himself. Stifler is supposed to be obnoxious and annoying but in a funny way. Here he’s just obnoxious and annoying.

my rating : 1 of 5

2003

video review : Petey Wheatstraw [ The Devil’s Son-In-Law ]

video review : Petey Wheatstraw [ The Devil's Son-In-Law ]

This is a fireball of bad acting, brainless dialogue and inane plotting with a heap of idiotic facial expressions and corny soul music thrown in for good measure. What’s entertaining is Rudy Ray Moore when he’s doing what he does best, but even his signature shit-talking gets stale as hell after a while.

my rating : 1 of 5

1977

video review : Spice World [ The Spice Girls Movie ]

video review : Spice World [ The Spice Girls Movie ]

I like their music, but neither it nor their looks; Scary is the most savory; can save this Spice Girls movie from the pits of blandness. It’s like a 90-minute Girl Power promo in which the bunch, literally playing caricatures of themselves, babble about nothing in a language only deep England can fully understand.

my rating : 1 of 5

1997

video review : The Jacket

video review : The Jacket

There’s a scene in this movie in which one character says to another, “You don’t understand”. That second character responds, “Try and help me understand.” “I don’t understand,” a third character says about ten minutes or fifteen years later. Yeah, it’s a confusing movie.

It’s about a former US soldier stricken with amnesia after receiving a head wound in The Gulf War. He’s charged with murder a year later after hitching a ride with a guy who kills a cop and sent to a mental institution where he becomes a lab rat for a time traveler.

The plot is as stupid as it seems. Despite its sleek visual style; the morgue drawer inspires some cool flashback scenes; the story goes nowhere interesting or entertaining fast, even when it’s going nearly two decades into the future and back within the blink of an eye.

my rating : 1 of 5

2005

video review : Land Of The Dead

video review : Land Of The Dead

George Romero created something special with Night Of The Living Dead. Land just bores you to death. There’s plenty of violent action, but that’s part of the problem. With all the explosions and gunshots, the vapid storyline never has a chance to build suspense. It doesn’t even feel like a zombie movie. For screaming out loud, since when do they know how to shoot back?

my rating : 1 of 5

2005

video review : Dawn Of The Dead

video review : Dawn Of The Dead

Night Of The Living Dead is a horror classic. Dawn, the title of which suggests it takes place the following morning; if the background calendars are up to date, it’s actually over a decade later; is a mess.

This, in comparison to the original, is easily the worst movie sequel I’ve ever seen. The narrative degradation from a serious thriller to what at times seems like wacky slapstick is staggeringly disappointing.

That the ghoul-shooting protagonists are no longer confined to a small house; most of this story takes place in an “indoor” shopping mall; is part of the problem. The rest has to do with the deadpan plot.

my rating : 1 of 5

1978

video review : Blair Witch 2 : Book Of Shadows

video review : Blair Witch 2 : Book Of Shadows

The Blair Witch Project is indeed “cool”. It’s also clever and creepy. Part 2, directed by Joe Berlinger, is a shitfest. It doesn’t even look like a documentary. It looks like a Hollywood movie with horrid acting and a plot that’s even worse.

my rating = 1 of 5

2000

video review : The Goonies

video review : The Goonies

The Goonies are reject kids who live for fun and wonder, use “gnarly” as an interjection, scream “Geronimo” down water slides and refer to each other as “guys” a little too much.

These imitation Hardy Boys and girls journey thru caves and taverns rigged with traps and bats, but the scariest bit is a grotesque being who looks like Bert from the back.

Maybe the movie, with its crude plot, idiotic comedy attempts and all, wouldn’t be so bad if the kids, especially the fat one and the Chinese one, weren’t so damn annoying.

my rating = 1 of 5

1985